Let Miracles Replace All Grievances

Mmmmmm. Today with its sunshine and blue skies made up for all my depressed fall and winter and the cold spring we've been having. That is my miracle tonight! What a wonderful day...

My car trouble saga continued: We went back to get my car either towed or started and guess what? It started. About 12 times early this morning when Todd went to meet the tow truck driver. So we cancelled the tow truck. Of course, when he returned with me it wouldn't start. Todd decided maybe a new battery would be a good first step. It seems to have worked since it has started up just fine ever since. Finley loved going back to the park again, especially on such a nice day. The park is next to a huge complex of baseball fields and there were tournaments going on so there were a lot of kids, particularly older kids. They were playing tag all over the equipment so it meant parents of the little kids had to watch out more to make sure no one got run over. I felt simultaneous irritation at the older kids and sympathy. I remember wanting to play on the playground far past when it was deemed appropriate for my age. When I asked them to slow down a bit since there were so many little kids around they were polite and really did try to tone it down but there were just so many of them we decided to cut our playtime short. No matter though. With the weather like it was we played outside at our house all day: with the hose, the hammock, the bird feeder, the bird bath,the sand box, the dirt pile, the wagon. Bliss for sure.

We spread a blanket out for Evelyn to play on. I think it's the first time she's had anything but fleece or sweaters on since she was born! Last summer ended so soon and the weather was so cool in August that she never really wore any summer clothes. She loved having her feet bare. Finley thought it was fun to get his shorts out and his sleeveless t-shirts. I haven't bought any summer sandals for him but he still fit in his Thomas the Tank Engine flip flops from last year and loved wearing them today.

I'm sorry to say I didn't take any pictures today. I was too in the moment I guess. It was truly wonderful though. With all that fresh air and physical play both Evelyn and Finley were exhausted tonight. They were both fed, bathed and asleep by 7:45 p.m. Another miracle! I went outside and just sat in a lawn chair, magazines in hand. The light was still good but with that beautiful golden quality of pre-twilight. It felt unbelievably good to breathe in the cool evening air, mixed with the warm breaths of breeze still moving. The birds were active, settling in for the evening. I just sat and took in the sounds and smells: car doors being closed, wafts of someones laundry soap or dryer sheets mixed with the smell of cut grass and the sound of the mower up the street. Something was blooming and smelled so sweet. A few dogs barked, a truck went by and our cat colony came out of hiding to eat their dinner. (We were intruders in our cat's outdoor world today. They are so used to having it all to themselves.) All of you California transplants who pine for your sunny weather, today I understand. It has just been such a long, dark winter. The sun was this strange, welcomed orb of warmth that embraced and enveloped me like a good long soak in a hot tub, followed by a spa treatment. It felt sooooo good! (I am pretty sure I suffer a bit from Seasonally Affected Depression, SAD.)

Todd worked on his model railroad layout tonight and we had time to chat and talk about non-urgent matters. One of the things I love about Todd is our conversations. He's a good listener and we share a lot of interests. We laugh at many of the same things too. Just had to share what a pleasant evening its been.

Here's a picture of Todd and Finley at about 5 months and then Evelyn at nearly 3 months. Fun to think back on where we've been and sibling similarities and differences.







Finley at 7 months, Mt. Rainier in June 2004, below.

Broken Down Cars and Unwanted Emotions in My Guesthouse of Self

It started out lovely enough: a nice play date with another little boy Finley's age, Ian. I enjoy spending time with his mom too. It is hard to find a good play date match. Do the kids really enjoy each other as much as the parents do or the other way around? Lucky when we find a fit for both children and parents. We enjoy easy, relaxed conversation. The weather was wonderful today after such a long cold spring we've had. It felt hot with my sweatshirt on at the playground. When we went to leave my car wouldn't start. The car I just got back from the shop last week. The car they told me that they could find nothing wrong with. I had them go ahead and fix an oil leak and a leaking water pump, but apparently they didn't catch everything. My good old '89 Volvo station wagon. It has so many miles on it and has really been very reliable and given me little reason to hesitate every time I get behind its trusty wheel. Anyway, thank goodness my friend hadn't left the park yet so I used her cell phone, my battery was dead on mine, to call Mom to see if she could come get us. Thank goodness Mom was home and available and always so wonderful to help. I guess if one has to have car trouble a park with friends and parents living near by is the perfect place!

We went back tonight with Todd to see if we could get it started. He got it to fire once but it died again as soon as he let off the gas. He thinks it may be the fuel pump since it seems as though it just isn't getting any gas or very little. We called AAA to have them tow it back to the mechanic but they were so late that we decided to just deal with it tomorrow. The kids were with us and they were getting really sleepy and the park department guy needed to lock the gate. Finley loved getting to play at the park for such a long time and Evelyn was happy but tired sitting in the Ergo baby carrier. I wrapped a blanket around her since it was getting a bit damp and cool again. We just got home and the kids are both asleep. I am so thankful that the park was close and provided a fun place to hang out even in the middle of dealing with car trouble. It wasn't exactly what Todd and I had planned to do with our evening but, oh well...

So I stole this poem from another blog, http://poem-of-the-week.blogspot.com/ Check it out too! Great idea, a poem every week with information on the poets. I love it. I use it here in my blog tonight as a tie in with my day. Is this not a creative and apt way to describe our experience with emotions? I experience so many emotions every day. I am striving to be more even keel. Not striving for ecstasy every moment; just a middle way of peace and acceptance. Striving to welcome my emotions in, as the poem says, and see them with the eyes of grace and a wider perspective. It sounds strange, but I am trying to not take my emotions so personally. They don't always mean what I think they mean. Isn't life funny?


The Guesthouse

This being human is a guesthouse
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness
Some momentary awareness
Comes as an unexpected visitor

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture
Still treat each guest honorably
He may be cleaning you out
For some new delight!

The dark thought, the shame, the malice
Meet them at the door laughing
And invite them in
Be grateful for whoever comes
Because each has been sent
As a guide from the beyond


Translated by Coleman Barks



Rumi (Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi) was a 13th century Persian muslim poet, jurist, and theologian. His name literally means "Majesty of Religion". He was born in Balkh (now part of Afghanistan) and died in present-day Turkey. His works are widely read in Iran, Afghanistan, Tajikistan, and are in translation in Turkey, Azerbaijan, the U.S., and South Asia. He lived most of his life in, and produced his works under, the Seljuk Empire. Rumi's importance is considered to transcend national and ethnic borders.

Mama, What's A Stranger?

Today, Finley watched me give money to a man panhandling on a street corner where we were stopped at a traffic light. The man displayed the expected handwritten cardboard sign: "Looking for bus fare." I had a few dollars left from the last time I got cash out of the ATM so I nodded to him and rolled down the window and handed it to him. "God bless you!" He said. "And God bless you, too," I replied. "You know, I have a three year certificate of sobriety", he felt obligated to inform me. "That's great", I offered. The light changed then so we said good-bye.

This is not a blog about charity or the social or political issues of addicts and alcoholics as much as it is a blog about the growing understanding of my son as he takes in his world. We've just recently started talking about "stranger danger." A phrase I absolutely abhor, but feel compelled to bring this concept into my son's awareness as he gets older. Isn't this what a responsible parent should do? As I have to explain to him why I want him to stay in my sight when we are at a store or the zoo. Why he can't go outside in our yard unless I am out there too. What a crying shame. I tell Finley that yes, there are some bad people that we need to be careful about, but when he asks me what a stranger is, I tell him, "A stranger is a friend we haven't met yet."

"Why doesn't that man have any money, Mama?" Finley asks during our discussion today. I replied something about how maybe he doesn't have a job or maybe his brain doesn't let him do things the way he would like or maybe he's sick. Then Finley asks again about what a stranger is. Repetition is so part of a four year old's world. He loves to ask things, even though I've just told him, over and over again. Hearing the explanations about things or the same stories must be very reassuring or just interesting, or maybe its just an important way for him to connect with me. Finley is thoughtful and curious. He makes me think about the assumptions our society makes and how my answers to his questions will inform his opinions, his prejudices, his sense of self and society. The responsibility of it makes me shudder. I pray that his heart can stay open and yet that he stays safe and uses common sense in this world that is full of common thieves and cut throats but also of ubiquitous wonder and marvels and yes, even friends he hasn't met yet.


On Turning Ten
By Billy Collins

The whole idea of it makes me feel
like I'm coming down with something,
something worse than any stomach ache
or the headaches I get from reading in bad light--
a kind of measles of the spirit,
a mumps of the psyche,
a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
but that is because you have forgotten
the perfect simplicity of being one
and the beautiful complexity introduced at two.
But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
At four I was an Arabian wizard.
I could make myself invisible
by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.

But now I am mostly at the window
watching the late afternoon light.
Back then it never fell so solemnly
against the side of my tree house,
and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
as it does today,
all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
time to turn the first big number.

It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I would shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

Finley's Psychedelic Raincoat and Boots

Finley enjoying his new raincoat and boots while he hangs on his rings on the playset. We had to get outside today. We would run out and play for a while and then it would start pouring so we'd run back inside. Then as soon as it cleared up we ran back out. Very fun in a northwest sort of way...



And a self-portrait of Finley.