"Three words were in the captain's heart. He shaped them soundlessly with his trembling lips, as he had not breath to spare for a whisper: "I am lost." And, having given up life, the captain suddenly began to live."
---Carson McCullers from Reflections In A Golden Eye
I am lost...
Oh motherhood; thou are not for the feeble nor wimpy. (I should say, "Life! Thou are not for the feeble nor the wimpy.")The last few weeks have been so full I scarcely know when one day began and another ended. It's just all one long day. I've been feeling so lost and not sure of what became of the Nan Sargeant, the Nan Chapman, the Nanster, the Nanabanana of my school days. I love my children and my husband so dearly but just as the days begin to blur together, I feel myself blurring into someone who is inextricably defined by my relationships. Where do you draw the line between an essential self and all of one's relationships? Even when those relationships are healthy and gratifying and welcome, it is easy to lose track of one's own priorities and claims to authenticity.
To rememdy this, I'm scheduling a long haircutting appointment with a favorite hairstylist, a weekend away with Todd for my birthday and looking at possible dates and locations for a girl's weekend with my Chapman sisters and sister-in-laws. I feel better already!
In the midst of everything going on in the world, I often feel trivial and full of self-pity. Perhaps I am, but we all must live the life we have and push through whatever challenges it offers. There's no one else to hand off my life to, so I better enjoy it, eh? So, while I sign permission slips for field trips and do laundry I take in some therapy via Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice. Viva Mr. D'Arcy! :)
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
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